Joke of the Day

[Lew]

Got one to add? Let's hear em!

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several
years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice;
picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach
trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for
swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,
as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He
grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As
he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing
with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of
his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out
until you leave!"

The old man frowned and grumbled, "I didn't come down here
to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the
pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to
feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and
enthusiasm every time.

[Colorado Russ]

This was sent to my wife from a friend.

Three female friends are out for a drink, one is someones girlfriend, the other a fiancee and the other someones wife. They get round to chatting about relationships and decide to put some spice into their love lives and surprise their men. That night all three wear a leather bodice, sexy boots and top it off with a mask over their eyes to add a bit of intrigue. After a few days they meet up again.

The girlfriend is the first to tell what happened. "The other night my boyfriend came home and found me in the leather bodice, sexy boots and mask. He said: 'You are the woman of my dreams I love you', and whisked me off to bed".

The fiancee nodded "Me too, the other night I met my fiancee in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, sexy boots and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat? Let's just say it was a long, long incredible night".

Finally the wife spoke up. "The other night I sent the kids to stay with my parents for the night and got myself ready; leather bodice, boots and mask over my eyes. My husband came home from work, opened the door, took one look and said: 'Hi batman what's for dinner?'

[bullnuts]

Did you hear about the woman who went fishing with three men? She came home with a big red snapper!

[>>>---WW---->]

We all know Ole Bullnuts is probably one of the best fisherman on this site. But word got around to the local game warden that Bill just might be using a few illegal means to harvest all those fish.

So, the game warden devised a plan to catch him. He went undercover and got himself invited to a fishing trip with Bill. Well, being kind of a law man type himself, Ole Bill wasn't fooled at all and he full well knew the guy was really the game warden.

So they both hop in the boat and go out into the middle of the lake. The game warden is doing alot of small talk but soon gets to the point and says, " I hear you might just be using some Dupont lures to catch all them fish".

Well, Ole Bill just reaches in his tackle box and pulls out a stick, lites up the fuse, hands it to the warden and says, "You gonna talk or ya gonna fish"!

[Lew]

One from Craig Kimball.

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bible.

2. A silver dollar

3. A bottle of whiskey.

4. A Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up."

"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."

[bullnuts]

I thought he was going to be a professional golfer!

[Buglemaster]

An elderly husband leans over & asks his wife, do you remember the first time we had sex together over 50 yrs ago?We went behind the tavern where you leaned against the fence & I made love to you.
Yes, I remember it well she says. OK he says.How bout we take a stroll down memory lane & do it again. Just like the first time.Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy but good idea.
A policeman sitting in the next booth overhears their conversation & with a chuckle decides he needs to see this himself.I'll just keep an eye on them so theres no trouble. The old couple make their way slowly to the back of the tavern & the old lady lifts her skirt & the husband drops his trousers & both lean back into the fence.Immediatly, both erupt into the wildest, most furrious sex the officer has ever witnessed.It goes on for about 10 minutes, with both screaming, moaning & gasping for breath.Finally, both collapse, panting on the ground.The cop is so amazed, he decides he has to know the secret
of such terrific sex.
Eventually, they struggle to get up, put their clothes back on & start out the alley. As the couple pass,he says. "Excuse me, but that was something to witness right there.You two must have had a terrific sex life.What may I ask is the secret?
With a trembling voice, the old man says.Fif...fif......fifty years ago that was'nt an electric fence!

[Lew]

A retired Spokane archer, decided to take a vacation. He booked
himself on a South Pacific cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life,
that is, until the ship sank He soon found himself on an island with no
other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks,
"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I had
landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman, "I made the boat out of some raw
material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides
and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of
the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found
that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing,
she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore,
he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a long stone walk
leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties
up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare
ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not
much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take
another drop of coconut juice.."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How
would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they
sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual stories,
the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.
Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom
cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone.
Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end
inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses, then thinks, "What's next?"


When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small
flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of
gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've
both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's
something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been
longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean...," he swallows
excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, " . . . .
You've built an Archery Range?"

[Buglemaster]

I just saw a pic of Russ's chile he's bringing to Tx.Reminded me of this...
I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that
course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're
definitely going to S**t yourself'
road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, hot to the point of being painful, which
comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next
day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups
of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
'Watson's

Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my
intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony
referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning H A D to come, yet not sure of just
when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and
supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store, at first, all seemed
normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for
purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the

restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
referring to that 'Uh, Oh, S **t, gotta go' pain that always seems to
hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The
habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In
a mad rush for freedom, they bullied their way through the small
intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I
could take one step in the direction of the restrooms, which would
bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly
enveloped in a noxious cloud, the likes of which has never before been
recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor
might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave
the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of
it, just as a red apron clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed
any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his
reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to
dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions
emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will

be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply

watched as he walked into an invisible and apparently indestructible, wall

of odor, so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and

running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head

as though trying to ward off angry bees. This of course, made me feel terrible,
but then made me laugh... BIG mistake!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
down', if you know what I mean. With each new laugh, an explosive issue
burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that
I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that
someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly
things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through
the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way,

praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time, I got to the john, began the
inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my azzeroo
is burning SO B A D, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in
the middle of what is the true meaning of, 'Shock and Awe'. He made a
gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-biotch!? did it smell
that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.


Once finished, I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled
cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few
minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.
The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two,
which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking, of course, set me off again, causing residual gasses to
escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt
up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner
shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the
manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked
none too kindly not to return. Home again without my supplies, I
realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I
consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I
can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole
matter.


Bastoids claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

[>>>---WW---->]

Damn!!!!!!! I'm glad you're not riding to Texas in my truck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!