Joke of the Day

[Colorado Russ]

Since you started the blonde jokes....

Two housewives, blonde and brunette, were sitting around one day gabbing when the doorbell rang. The brunette went to the door and it was a flower delivery with 2 dozen of the most outstanding looking roses you ever saw. She opened the card and it read "Happy Anniversary to the most wonderful wife in the world. I love you with all of my heart." Almost in tears, she shows her friend the card and flowers. Then the brunette says "I can't believe he remembered our anniversary and was so thoughtful to send the flowers. Guess now I'll be on my back the next two weeks." The blonde chimes in and says......."why don't you just use a vase?"

[Lew]

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?"
The second guy says, "No."
"A bald eagle just flew over head."
"Oh."
A couple of minutes later, the first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"No."
"There was a black bear walking on that hill over there."
"Oh."
A few minutes later the second guy says, "Did you see that?"
The second guy, getting aggravated, says, "Yes, I did!"
The first guy then says, "Then why did you step in it?"

[Lew]

A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around three in the morning.
His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed.
He's laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart.
His wife wakes up and asks, "What the hell was that?"
He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."
She thinks to herself, "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.
He yells at her, "What was that?"
She replies "Touchdown, tie score."
Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he takes a dump in bed.
The wife asks, "Now what the hell was that?"
He replied, "Half time, switch sides."

[>>>---WW---->]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart...

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband replies: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

[Colorado Russ]

A man and his young son are in line at Wal-Mart waiting to check out. In front of them is a very large woman(think that if she had to haul ass it would take several trips). As the dad and son are talking, the Dad's beeper starts going off. The son grabs his Dad's arm and says "watch out Dad, she's backing up"!!

[Lew]

A Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out
of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are
good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his
mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it
in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting
bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little
whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the
lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that
same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the South.

[Lew]

A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas ,
walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters.
One is in Australia , the other is in Dublin .

When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains,"
It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.

"Hasn't affected my sisters though!"

[>>>---WW---->]

Posted: Sat Mar 06, 2010 9:53 am Post subject: Way to Go

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital that he worked for most of his life...

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist..'

The proctologist fainted.

[Buglemaster]

Subject: Irish Viagra


Irish Viagra

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice
on reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said.. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's
when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired
as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was
horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect
was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye
and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he
sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and
took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a
nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor,' Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' Jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as
I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.